Whoduhthunkit!?

*sigh* It seldom fails. Read a really good blogger every day and you will get tagged for a MeMe at least once every other month or so. Read SEVERAL awesome bloggers and your chances increase to monthly…

So…thanks Mir…I owe you one…you didn’t select me per say but as I was lurking about…I am tagged and this means that Mir WASN’T the last person in existence so her life can move on…

Thus 5 things about me you don’t know - only 5. Since I don’t regularly spout my life story here this should be easy right?

1.) I fight every day, that is every.single.fucking.day. to NOT be like my stepmother who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me. When my kids act out I feel her stepping in (mentally) with the urge to scream unkind things from my murky memories, to throw out an arm and backhand the child using MY body, to basically tear down her grandchild from beyond the grave. While I forgave her (for my own sanity) years and years ago - blaming her problems on her health, her own upbringing, and her decreased blood flow to the brain (documented), I will not allow her to do anything to MY kids. I will break the chain. Hello my name is … and I am a victim of child abuse…

2) When I was 13 or so my father began touching me inappropriately. It escalated for a while to REALLY inappropriate touching and then I found ways to not ever be alone with him again. At 16 I moved out of his house and didn’t see him again until I was nearly 30 years old. I tried to forgive him, to move on and perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt when he told me he deeply regretted what he had done and would carry the guilt and scars around on his soul for the rest of his life. That didn’t stop him from striking my eldest son across the face for some minor infraction and from telling lies about me to the family that I had married into. I confronted him in front of everyone and he LIED in front of everyone - trapped like a bug into literally either admitting things that OTHERS had seen or heard him do or DENY doing them in front of the witnesses that had actually told me about it in the first place…it may have been closure for me but it was not one of my most proud moments. I knew the man was not right, sort of sick and definitely not "normal" but it had to be done. I felt sorry for him, trapped within his own warped results. I am still angry and disgusted with him but I no longer feel powerless. I faced my demon and relinquished him into his own tortured world. Thankfully I don’t have to try and NOT be him every day - I have no sick desires to touch any of my children inappropriately.

3) I was a bedwetter and thumb sucker until I was 8 or so.

4) No matter how much I joke and laugh and carry on, how I seem to be having a good time in social gatherings, BEFORE these things I am a nervous wreck just short of vomiting from fear and insecurity because I have ZERO real social skills. I envy women who seem comfortable in their own skin and have such social panache that they glow. I was once told that others regard me as an Ice Queen because I am so politely correct during social occasions. I live by the written rules of engagement because if I step outside those rules I am afraid of a really painful social gaffe brought about by being totally clueless. As long as I am laughing and joking I am not crying in a curled up wad of fear…

5) I’ve lost some really good friends, dare I say BEST friends, over REALLY stupid decisions I made (social gaffes) because I am so totally clueless. MOST of my social skills are from hard learned lessons but I have never ever forgotten or stopped missing some of my most glorious friends - Trisha, wherever you are, you were the best friend I ever had and the pain of your "loss" still haunts me. I am fairly sure I know what I did wrong and for that I am sorry. Always.

So there you have it.

One Messed Up Mother.

Brought to you by new and improved Whoduhthunkit.

The Blog of Total Honesty and Painful Admissions.

Your turn! If you MeMe this come back here and let me know. I’ll link to your blog!