Whoduhthunkit!?

They say (who THEY are is quite beyond me) that self-preservation is the strongest survival instinct and it is an instinct shared by all living creatures.

Clearly when you were collecting your bits and pieces before entering life as we know it you skipped the instinct booth at Cat Fair ‘cause you posess a lower I.Q. than a box of fucking hammers.

I was aware that you had been abused by other cats at your former home when I volunteered to take your happy human loving ass in. I was under the impression (because the shit-head told me) that it was because you were afraid of other cats and that the other cats were very aggressive.

LIELIELIE - YOU are the aggressive shit and my quiet, adoring, hungering for companionship tiny-kitty has had ENOUGH of your crap. NOW you are getting your ass kicked at every opportunity ‘cause you don’t hiss someone’s shit down in their own pad. If you’d have just calmed the fuck down you’d have had a friend for life. Now it’s game on asshole, ‘cause my Egyptian Queen is a sistuh and she’s gonna fuck YOUR shit up - always.

I also don’t care for you attempting to kick the crap out of my slumbering dog. He’s innocent AND stupid. Leave him alone. He’s not the slightest bit interested in YOUR hairy hams.

"She’s always outside because she’s so afraid of the other cats"

FUCK YOU! She’s always outside because she LOATHES other cats and refuses to use a CLEAN litter box because some cat back in the Dark Ages crapped in it and she can still tell. She’d MUCH rather use my basket of laundered and folded laundry, the throw rug in front of my bathtub, the shower stall, my son’s coat left on the floor, or say…my husband’s pillow.

Here’s a Memo to the CAT - Using my husband’s pillow as a litter box will NOT gain you your very own gold plated litter box that we will kindly-keep-our-Nubian-Goddess-Out-Of-Thank-You-Very-Much. It will however gain you INSTANT (and on-a-trajectory-that-a-SCUD-missile-would-envy) access to full time outdoors-hood. This being winter is yet another clue that self-preservation just aint a notion that you cotton to you fucking MORON!

And lastly - growling at ME when I attempt to lift you and put you somewhere WARM because it’s freezing…bad move.

"Hello Stupid Cat Police? I have a cat that’s stupid beyond the legal limit…"

Several adverts in the paper and online and I still have a stupid cat on my premises. Today I take her to the local no-kill shelter. I feel bad because she’s going to be psychotic with all those animals all around her up, down, and sideways which will SERIOUSLY decrease the chances she has of every finding a happy home but the urinating and the violence - I can not take it anymore.

Hasta la Vista Baby.