Whoduhthunkit!?

Eighteen days to christmas - hoo-fucking-rah…my card’s been swiped so many times in the past week the bitch is raw…and I am sure to still get some hate and discontent on Christmas morning. ThingOne decided that SURELY Mom was not SERIOUS when she said "Pass all your classes or kiss that Nintendo DS dream goodbye."

*watches as son’s dream goes flitting out the fucking window*

Guess who is failing 4 classes? Guess who has one and one half weeks to fix it? Guess who’s going to get a SERIOUS ‘tude on Christmas morning because pulling your balls up through your sinus cavities is easier (and probably less painful) than pulling a 61 average up to a 70 average in one and a half weeks?

In the spirit of anticipating a suckazz Christmas morning - Y’know I hate it when a kid goes and blows what I was really looking forward to. Husband and I worked HARD to save up for some really seriously special shit this year…damn…anyway…in the spirit - I am going to share a list of pet peeves that have been walked ALL over in the past few weeks. I’m just going to go on and get ‘em out so when ThingOne does do the GOTH MOOD crap next to the tree while I am trying to get my joy on…I don’t verbally blow the back of his head off over OTHER PEOPLE’S SHIT.

Y’know what pisses me off?

1) My husband and I decided (well more him than me I kind of just decided to go along with it) that he was going to go and volunteer for a tour of duty in Iraq. He saw the pictures of those little kids finally going to school, mobbing the Marines for candy with big smiles on their faces, and he heard about the crazy ass shit that Saddam did to "his peeps". He thought he should go do even his small part or he would always regret not standing up for the cause. He’s an idealistic sort but I did marry him for his values as well as his sweet sweet ass. So he’s there, we’re here, and why the FUCK do people want to tell me (after they hear my husband is deployed) that this war is all about oil and Mr. Prez getting some back for Saddam ordering a hit on Big Daddy? You know what? Right or Wrong, this dude is the fucking PRESIDENT and my husband and I are both loyal to the Commander in Chief as he stands in the office. My husband is doing as he is being ordered to and I don’t want or need to hear your crack smoking theory on why Big Dubya sent our boys over there. As a matter of fact here’s a clue - When I want to hear from an asshole I’ll fart…k? K….

2) If your kid can’t control himself and is constantly kicking the shit out of one or more of his siblings and seems to be unaturally fascinated (actually he’s obsessed) with guns and all things having to do with guns, WHY the FUCK do you buy him MORE violent video games???? How does a five year old who is bored out of his fucking two cell mind unless he can either play with a gun or build one out of leggos to play with suit-cha? It’s all about the laser sights and the scope and the double barrelled this or that…he’s fucking FIVE and could  probably break down, clean, and reassemble a rifle in the dark, naked…in grease paint. All I hear about is "Ops" and "Licensed to Kill", and "I got me a sniper rifle with a SCOPE." GAH…The kid doesn’t know his entire freakin’ alphabet yet but he knows the grain value of his ammo fer chrissakes. When he doesn’t listen to you telling him to stay out of the back of the truck and he grabs Baby-Daddy’s shotgun and blows his sister’s head off with it because he can’t tell where reality begins and fantasy ends please don’t ask me to come to the fucking funeral.

3) It’s your WIFE that should take some sort of priority asshole. Stop having your family in and out, sleeping over and eating the fridge empty, wiping snot on the freaking walls, and smelling up the joint because they don’t bathe. Your family is making my sister fucking insane. Make it stop and STOP telling her "they already are made to feel unwelcome because you aren’t happy to see them, don’t make it worse by asking me to make them go." You’re already on borrowed fucking time you two timing piece of shit. Let my sister have some peace in her own home and tell your fat fucking brother to get his own fucking life (and some balls while he’s at it so he can maybe kick his skank wife out with her 2 out of 3 illegit. kids she foisted on his sorry ass).

4) If I jump down the throat of a teacher I think is treating my child unreasonably (as he has done before), don’t try to sweet talk me with your eminently reasonable gentle Georgia Peach crap and then try to tell me to talk to YOU about it first NEXT time "’cause your husband is a Yank and you can take it when he’s blunt". Fuck you candy-ass. He made my kid cry and singled him out over a fucking FORM that wasn’t even due yet. The form was MY responsibility and he made it my kid’s issue. My kid who already HAs a boxful of issues. Fucking Anal-Retentive Over Achieving Needle Dick Ass-Wad with a Master’s Degree…what the fuck did he get if his whole class turned it in four days before the due date? A fucking tin whistle? Oh and this aint no "Yank talking" sweetheart, this is called Pissed Off Mama - Real Life Style. While you were attending finishing school before your debutante ball I was kicking some debutantes ass behind the gym. Fuck you.

5) Hey, I have an idea! Let’s NOT teach your toddler that digging around in her nose -spelunking for brain cells or whatever - is NOT fucking funny. She’s wiping the shit she finds on my couch.

6) Here’s another idea! Let’s also not teach the little darling to slap so she can hear ya scream which makes HER laugh ok???? I am tired of getting my face slapped by a laughing toddler when it takes everything I have the FIRST time she does it NOT to slap her happy ass back. Slapping Daycare Provider Bad - Slapping Toddler Bad - Slapping Mommy GOOD! Slap the little twit next time she does it and I personally guarantee LOTS fewer calls to the office when she’s in Pre-K.

7) Teach your child NOT to get into everyone’s business all the time. I am tired of answering Who What Where When Or WHY questions about every facet of my day and my personal decisions. I am tired of having to give the kid the fish eye to remind her that it’s none of her FUCKING business every ten minutes. She’s not MY kid so why don’t you step up to the plate and teach her some good old fashioned FUCKING MANNERS.

Aahhh I think that’s it. There now. Don’t you feel better? I know I do.