Whoduhthunkit!?

So by now you have had two weeks of using fitday.com and I certainly hope you have used it. You’ve painstakenly entered all you ate and maybe even explored and entered your daily activities. If your’e the average person you may have even had fun and felt good about the fact that you burned so much without actually working at it.

Now, we’re going to find out if you are eating too much.

To find out how much you need to eat (calorie wise), you need only know your age, height, sex (relax…male or female baby not how OFTEN), and your usual level of activity. Head on over to This Site and input the information required in the upper left portion of the page (free again!). The resulting number you get will be the number of calories you need in order to MAINTAIN your current weight. Again, if you’re average, you come close most days. Some people go way overboard simply because they aren’t aware of what they are putting in their bodies though. My littlest sister is a classic example of the unaware type. She loves tater-tots. I mean LOVES tater tots. A small mixing bowl filled with crispy tots and a saucer of ketchup for dipping is all this woman needs for emotional fulfillment (I can’t blame her, I was the same way - those things are ADDICTIVE). Now the serving size is 9 tots. NINE. For those nine you get an intake of roughly 220 calories (whoa) and that’s just a SIDE DISH. An entire average MEAL should be roughly 250 to 300 calories! Yet you eat (and don’t count out) those tots with ketchup (15 calories per Tbsp and who measures?) and perhaps a hotdog on a bun with MORE ketchup (315 calories), a can of soda (140 calories), and maybe a corn on the cob (118 calories without butter which is another 100 calories per Tbsp). This meal (assuming you ONLY had nine tots) is 808 calories all by itself. Is that bad? Sure is! Let’s expand on that.

My number for mere MAINTENANCE is as follows: 2155 calories per day.

Let’s add up what a usual day WAS for me:

Breakfast:

2 large cups of coffee, 2 cups of Raisin Bran (because I am health conscious right?), 1 cup of whole milk

Total calories: 508 calories

Lunch:

Wendy’s Frescata Club (because a big ol’ greasy burger would be BAD for me right?), medium fries, and a medium coke.

Total calories - 1150 calories

Snack

A cheese danish and a cup of coffee

Total calories - 358 calories

Dinner:

My usual size serving of spaghetti topped with marinara and grated cheese, a small side salad, and two or three slices of garlic bread. A glass of wine.

Total calories - 1120 calories

Before bed treat:

3 or 4 thin slices of cheddar and a sliced apple

Total calories - 424 calories

TOTAL FOR THE DAY - 3560 calories

Are we wondering why I weighed 240 lbs still!?

So the big mistakes I always made were assuming that something that sounded healthy was AND portion size. Portion size is a common one. We did take a moment and count the actual numner of tots my sister ate at one sitting as a side dish - 38 - that’s a little over FOUR SERVINGS. Anyway. Now that we acknowledge my mistakes let’s move on to correcting them.

item #1 - stay away from fast foods. Even those lovely "healthier" chicken sandwiches are LOADED.

item #2 - be aware of serving sizes. They really really mean it.

item #3 - know what you are eating.

So in my quest to fix this problem I found out what I NEED (not WANT but NEED). Then…I figured out what the healthy number was to LOSE weight at a healthy rate that would STAY OFF. 750. The magic number is 750! Take that required number of calories for maintaining your current weight and subtract 750. Thus, for me, it would be - 1405 calories. I divide that number up by 5 (the number of meals you SHOULD be eating to keep your "furnace" burning as hard and hot as it can causing optimal weight loss) and I get 281 calories per meal. Will that satisfy? Sure will if you eat the right food.

But more about the right food in the NEXT post. For now I just want you to see what you have been doing to yourself. Go on get that maintenance number and then compare it to what you have been eating all this time. I dare ya!

I’m off to get another bottle of water and read a good book!

It was such a "manic Monday" that I couldn’t write with any semblance of intelligience…so I waited until today. I am SOOOoo much better today. No…really. Since I still have about one frayed nerve left I thought that perhaps "spillin’" might help. So here I go.

Nosey children make my brain bleed. Not kids that ask a million and one questions as to HOW things work. Kids that ask a million and one questions about WHY you are doing that and WHY your other family members are doing this and piping up in the middle of a conversation between two adults with THIER two cents. Kids that offer advice, opinions, commentary, and CORRECTION when I am talking to someone else entirely. But you know what ticks me off harder? The parenting unit that is attending to this child’s everyday needs does not CORRECT this behavior.

Oh and whiners. Not the "I don’t FEEEeeeEEEeelllll goooooood." plea for comfort. Nooooohohohohooo it’s the "MOooooooooooMMMMMMM…HE won’t stop calling me a stinky faced bat buuuuuuuuuuuutt and he is sitting on MY half of the seeeaaat. Why can’t WEEEeeee have a new Xbox 360???" while sobbing and squealing the whole thing. Sounds like a guinea pig in overdrive.

Lastly…watching kids completely disregard the repeated requests of thier lovely mother and take advantage of her gentle nature. "PLEASE stop rolling the windows up and down, leave the doors closed, don’t play with the moon roof, turn down the stereo, oh PLEASE don’t drink all of my soda and stop slapping eachother across the baby’s seat." The whole while Hekyll and Jekyll are slap fighting, slugging eachother, chugging soda, and using every power button in the car with their bare feet.

I hate negligent parenting and I think it’s utterly unfair to both the child AND those who have to deal with that child outside of the family. It’s not like I am a childless person either - you know those lovely ones who know everything there is to know about child rearing. I have a small herd of kadiddles of my own.

They do not butt in to adult conversations.

They do not whine unless they are running a high fever.

And while they may stretch my patience they do not completely ignore me while totally destroying my patience and property.

My kids are normal high spirited kids but they have BOUNDARIES and I enforce them with love and firmness. They are happy, well adjusted, self assured, and productive. I have not once bruised their psyches OR thier backsides. Parenting CAN be done without a stick but it can ALSO be done without this modern day empowering mumbo jumbo that turns children into overindulged and under-regulated BRATS. I am more than happy to take my children to a restaurant with faith in my heart that they will behave politely and appropriately.

Now where is the harm in that?!

I’ll tell you what…I think some of these kiddie psycholgoists thought up their new theories so they’d have future adults to treat for being completely dysfunctional.

I guess you can tell that it was a…Monday…

well I am officially over rmy first week of Slimfats ("Drink two shakes and a sensible meal!") and I lost 4 lbs. It’s a fast way to lose but I happen to know that FAST is not necessarily BEST so I use it only to boost a flagging diet and give myself the added Oo-la-la I was missing from my earlier spectacular results. I thought that since I am now only 16 lbs from my goal I would share with you one of my very FAVORITE recipes which I have used along the way to make believe I was eating awesome food (and it is awesome but without so much CALORIES). This is very enjoyable and makes a LOT so be sure to share!

This is for 4 servings - each serving is calculated to be 170 calories!

1 green pepper; cored and julienned
1 red pepper (sweet); cored and julienned
1/2 red onion, sliced into strips
2 large portabello mushroom caps sliced into strips
1 Tbsp fresh cilantro - diced
2 Tbsp Worcesertshire sauce
1/2 lime worth of juice
1/2 cup salsa
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp garlic powder
sprinkle of black pepper
1 tsp ground cumin

plain yogurt
shredded cheese (used Mexican style 4 Cheese blend)
Low Carb Tortillas

Wrap 4 tortillas in aluminum foil and heat in oven at 325 while you cook the filling.

Spray a deep fry pan (or wok - I like to saute veggies in a wok because I am a slob) with Pam
First add the peppers. I used red and green for the LOOK but you could go with both green if you are cutting cost. Saute the peppers lightly for 2 minutes and then add onion. While pepper and onion are sizzling away, add the cilantro and lime juice. Stir up well and then add the sliced mushrooms and worcestershire sauce. Sprinkle on all of the spices and toss well to blend. Cover and cook until mushrooms are tender. Remove from heat and add the salsa, then mix well.

Spoon 1/4 of the mixture down the center of each tortilla. Add to each (optional) 1 Tbsp plain yogurt (sour cream substitute) and 1 Tbsp shredded cheese. 

Roll up and try not to indulge in two!

What a WEEK my friends! I thought I would share some of the sheer…WEEKLINESS of it with you and rather than do another one of those sweetsweet "Things I Want (insertkidhere) to Know", I’d do a

13 Things that REALLY CHAPPED my A$$ this week

1.) Jon Benet Ramsey’s suspected killer ate shrimps and drank bubbly on his airline flight being sent back to the states. I have to eat jello and hotdogs with a decent honest job, hard working husband, and nary an intetersting skeleton in my closet. I feel wierd changing the diapers of someone else’s child and heaven FORFEND a six year old soils him or herself because they are sick. I try to assist the 1/2 nekked kid with my eyes closed. THIS turd drugged, raped, and choked to death an absolutely beautiful (aren’t they ALL though?) child and he gets SHRIMPS AND CHAMPERS? *hisses like a hosed down cat*

2.) Some enlightened souls in my neck of the woods LITTERED right in front of me or somewhere I was forced to STEP IN IT. Littering is for pigs - heck PIGS are cleaner than that and don’t crappe where they sleep iff’n y’all know what I mean.

3.) The lovely Emergency Room nurses at my local hospital on duty that Monday night my dear friend needed her child stitched up FOR EIGHT FREAKIN’ HOURS! I know I awarded ya’ll the SuckAzz Award for your SOOOOoo professional muttering AUDIBLY about "Those people" (military family at a *gasp* civilian facility). I’m still fuming and I STILL want to lipstick your Lexus windows.

4.) HELLO YOUNG 20ish MAN DOWN THE STREET! Yes you! I KNOW it’s tough to have to drive that whooped up street rod less than 70 down our little side road/circle without your music blowing the weatherstripping out of MY car windows as you pass but could you PLEASE get off your DEADAZZ and MOW THAT FREAKIN’ YARD! I swear I saw a RAT leaving your 4 foot high "lawn" - it was big enough to be wearing Jordans and carrying a Benzy box. (something I learned from a fun post I just read and so totally just stole ‘cause I’m a "spyin’ whitey"). I understand it takes LOADS of energy to pack those Newports before you smoke ‘em on the front porch for HOURS but your Mom works all day and you DON’T so let’s earn our vittles shall we?

5.) Hello sweetheart you beautiful creature you…My new (ish - she has no idea but I’ve been stalking her for months LOL) friend over at http://captainhambone.typepad.com/not_that_you_asked/ is like 300 years pregnant and ABSOLUTELY adorable all over could you PLEASE get some cellulite and maybe a wart SOMEWHERE visible to the public? You didn’t chap my azz baby but I did have to shake my head and mutter "just so unfair". When I was at YOUR stage darlin’ people kept trying to throw me back in the water screaming "Shamu’s BEACHED Shamu’s BEACHED!"

6.) Attention Marine Corps - Could you PLEASE find a way to get thru my husband’s paperwork and approve his EFFIN EXTENSION already!? You’ve had it like 7 or 8 weeks now and we still have NO idea where he’s going to be at the end of this rotation. Sorry but I have to say it - he was NOT a Marine (anymore) when I married him. I "approved" his rotation back into the Corps (in a LOT less time I might add) when the request was filed with ME and y’all have had him for over 10 years ON RENTAL. Now Blockbuster charges me $1.59 late fee per day…we’re talkin’ a NICE chunk of change here. Could ONE of the BEST OF THE BEST please put a little mustard on it?

7.) Thank you oh THANK YOU public school system for taking the baby out of my baby. I ALWAYS wanted my youngest to learn how exactly one could rev his Mom from 0 to BITCH so fast that the Air Force called NASA for trajectory confirmation. Should the word "NO" be in a 4 year old’s vocabulary? Oh HELL no. But it is now. Thanks.

8.) If I bring a plate of food over to my sister’s house I would very much appreciate it if the adorable young foodhoovers I call my nephews and the LURKING MAN BEAST with about ZERO regard for anything other than his own (various) appetites I call brother in law would PLEASE leave a morsel for my sister. She’s about 5 foot nuthin’ and weighs maybe 90 lbs soaking wet with bricks in her pockets. Can I feed her now? PLEASE? The LAST time I had to stay there with her and make sure she ate some. NEXT time it’s Exlax brownies boys.

9.) Could you PLEASE tell your teenager it’s not necessary to FINGER ALL THE FOOD AT THE BUFFET!? GAH!!!! If you touch it you EAT it. Don’t paw through all the nacho chips looking ONLY for the perfect ones USING YOUR BARE NASTY HANDS and put the OTHERS back! From the looks of his hair and t-shirt I’d say soap and water aren’t close personal friends of his. Not to mention the look of all those SQUEEZED HARD ZITS. I know he had pus under those nails … and dead skin cells and blackeads. But hey thanks, I stuck to my diet THAT night ‘cause YOUR kid didn’t go within shouting distance of the fresh fruits and veggies.

10.) Oh and really fat chick with 900 tattoes fighting with her really skinny AULD partner - thanks for the show to go with dinner - did you KNOW your armholes on your t-shirt were so BIG that we could see entire BREAST from the side? Was that why you didn’t shave your armpits until it looked like you had a rastafarian trapped under each arm? Well the hair didn’t cover your enormous udders. Consider a set of chest baskets too. My kids were morbidly fascinated with the nipples on your HIPS.

11.) Writers Block. Not mine - theirs. All my favorite bitches seem to be suffering from it. Yes you Jennster and you "N.I.T.", not to mention YOU Shoe. I need you guys to be writing and bitchy and funny and sarcastic and witty or I can’t be screaming jealous. But hey thank The Big Man for Mir and THIS Nashville Hottie even if the first one is into hot steamy robot love and the second is a bimbo second wife all knocked up (hey I relate but I passed the knocked up AND the "Geez will you PLEASE stop touching her already!" stage ages ago). Oh and Vi and Lena. beautiful and SUBLIME women with enough CAT to make me MRRROWWWW at every post. Seriously though Writers Block is chapping my AZZ!!! I need FUNNY you people!

12.) Being paid late. I still have to pay for food, entertainment, (read as TOYS to replace the TOYS that YOUR kid broke and then stared at me like I had 4 heads when I asked WHY they tried bending it that way AGAIN even after I told them NOT to), pay utility bills, and cleaning supplies. I can’t DO this on "I keep forgetting to bring you a check!" I need cold.hard.currency. I know you are a single Dad and a friend of my husband but enough already. I’m not running a charity but I may NEED charity if I can’t make the mortgage. I know you, I’ve been inside your house. It’s not a having money issue it’s a PAYING MONEY issue. Part with the QUAN my friend.

13.) Zappos. Do ALL women have size 5 feet or what!? How about that hot little pump in a size 9 1/2?? We’re not talking SASQUATCH fer chrissakes. Every. Single. HOT. SHOE was only available in size 5 or 6!!! OK next time - My wallet only comes with quarters.

OK enough is enough. I have to go pull the 14 month old down out of the drapes. See y’all later! *Throws around a few wet MUWAHS*

Am I the only person who thinks these horrible end of the world thoughts? Does anyone else read the "scientific discoveries" and announcements such as the world will run out of natural resources in 40 years? Are there other parents out there who look at their children and wonder if those children will be able to make it to old age on what’s left of this planet or even be able to have children of thier own?

Some time about 10 or so years ago I became a biological mother for the first time. This began a string of births but that’s not the point. The point is that until I had baby number three I never even thought about whether or not I had brought them into a world that may end dismally. Our ozone is shot, pollution is rampant, everybody is fighting, some half baked (or fully baked; I hear it is ass frying HOT in those sandboxes like Iraq) asswipe has plans for nuclear weapons, biological agents, and genocide. Scientists say that we are gobbling up the ocean life faster than it can replenish iitself. Am I the only freak that noticed that while we scarf down a HUGE portion of our food source we are BUILDING on the OTHER portion. Wherever there is a flat piece of land, someone is erexcting a $500,000 two bedroom house on it. It’s gotten to the point that I want to buy a few hundred acres, fence it off with electrical fencing, learn to farm and raise livestock, and try to at least assure my children  of a way to eat after I am gone.

I find myself looking at these dear little faces and praying that these scientists are a bunch of alarmists and that maybe, just maybe, we can find it within ourselves to stop waste, stop being disgusting pigs of consumers without regard to the FUTURE beyond our own lifespans and maybe turn this berg around and row it right. Can we fix what we’ve done already so our children don’t have to watch their children die slowly and painfully? Is space how our kids are going to get off of this dying rock once we’ve used it up?

Oh my babies I am SO sorry about the shortsightedness of those around me. I know I always told you to turn off the water, set the AC to the most economical setting, don’t ask to go out unless we could do several things at once for errands and conserve gas. I know I taught you how to economize and buy/prepare/eat only what you need and not to waste. I taught you how to grow your own food and preserve it. I taught you how to plant trees and flowers to give back to the planet and how the trees were what made your air.

The question is though can I teach others? How can I assure that we haven’t stolen your future from you before you get to it? I love my babies and the single worst thought (aside form not ALWAYS begin here to see every single moment and that one day I will leave them and "move on" to the great beyond) is that I will have left them nothing. No future. No legacy. No life. Did I bring them into this world only to doom them to having a bad end?

Please dear Lord tell me this isn’t so. I lay awake and worry, I do. I love my babies. Please. Let there be a future for them and all the other babies in the world. Let everyone wise up and fly straight. Let us learn to live WITH (not on) and LOVE this world. Why don’t we realize what miracles we are? Our very existence is an amazing thing. The only reason we are HERE is because HERE is here. Without this rock tumbling through space we never would have happened.

What are we doing?

Am I the only one?

So I had this choice idea for what to write about. It was so choice that it had awakened me and kept me awake for over an hour the other night and I said "Self, you need to write about that in your BLAWG." The rest of the time was spent agonizing over whether or not Self would remember what it was that I wanted to write about the next day.

I remembered.

But I had a day. Such a day. Actually everyone else around me had an absolutely horrific day which resulted in me being there for many many at once because that’s what I am and it ended up being a day that lasted 20 hours. There were a number of good points at the end so I’ll share the whole waxball with you and you can decide whether or not you felt as I did by the end of the day. this was;

"Thank any higher power you care to name I am ME!"

Let’s start the story shall we?

I have lovely children in my daycare. No really they are lovely. Not a one of them has an odd idiosyncracy or foul habit that makes me crazy. They are lovely. Warm, beautiful, loving children, some children with special needs and some children with every day requirements. ALL lovely. I also have lovely parents (once we ironed out a few wrinkles in ATTITUDE for one of them). Lovely parent #1 called early Monday to say that her husband needed to be driven to a specialist because they had found fluid around his spinal cord (that DIDN’T belong there) causing pressure on the nerves etc. and they needed to find out why. He’s a spinal patient already so I feel this is naturally a concern. She warns me ahead of time that she may be running late and is it OK? It’s splendid that she asks. Not many parents are that awesome. Because she is lovely and her daughter is lovely I have no issue with this and my day begins.

We have a regular "day" - play, learn, eat, nap, learn, play, bus returns, homework, play, snack, etc.

At about 4 pm Lovely Mother calls and tells me that they are rushing her husband from the doctor to the hospital to do a "straight admission" because something is dreadfully wrong. His pupils are fully dilated and he’s not responding at ALL normal in a nuerological sense. They suspect viral menengitis. SHIT! Hasn’t this guy gone thru enough and where can I buy an iron spine like Lovely Mom has??? I tell her no worries I will feed the baby supper, clean her up, and let her conk on the couch if she so desires. Mom murmurs lovely things and lets me know she will call before she heads out of the hospital.

Oh wait it gets better. Let’s turn up the heat shall we? My day/evening is going to be just a little bit different. Let’s go for full on panic mode? We all know how I am really a closet hermit and HATE changes to my routine and people getting into MY space and MY time with my kids…let’s add another people and see what happens.

My neighbor, another Lovely Woman, calls me in a swivet. Her daughter, it seems, had been doing something with something and sliced herself open real bad and there was blood everywhere. Can she come over so I can see and should she take her to the emergency room.

uh…kaaayyyy….

I really do like my neighbor, she’s an awesome lady, but I have a hard time making my own sane judgement calls somtimes, I am not sure that what I would do is somethng she should do, do y’get me? Y’know like, so long as the kid hadn’t sliced her SCALP open (requiring a tourniquet around the NECK), I would have wrapped the offended limb, maybe even applied pressure, got myself in the car, and headed for emergency. But hey…like I said…okay.

I grab the huge school quality "Wish I was a real doctor but I have the TOOLS so I can be one on TV" First Aid kit and making sure my assistant has all the babies in the baby corral I head out to meet the two on the front lawn. Excuse me now for using the Lord’s name in vain(ish) but OHMUHGAWD she is heading towards me at a clip carrying the six year old whose hand is wrapped in paper towels SOAKED in blood and more blood is running down her arm and dripping across the lawn as she runs.

Gah…

So I says CALMLY "OK unwrap it" and we do. I get a good look at a gash that goes thru the webbing between her thumb and forefinger down to nearly half way to the joint where the thumb joins the hand, and with what I considered remarkable skill I say "Oh my…" and I start opening bandages and gauze while remarking about "no more juggling with chainsaws" and advise a trip to emergency after I get the bleeding slowed or stopped. This kid has a gusher and swears she was cutting "mumble" with a butter knife.

I try not to judge ‘cause I really do like the neighbor AND her kids.

So I do a credible field dressing, get my brother in law to lend verbal aid (do this go here see them say this) since he’s a cop. I grab HER baby and she heads off. Now I have one toddler, two babies (one and just under one), a 4 year old, a 5 year old, two 7 year old’s, a nine year old, and a ten year old. THREE of those are miine, TWO will be staying until GOLLY only knows when, and I am standing there holding the world’s only 50 lb 11 month old with my eyes out on stalks.

Routinus Interruptus Commencus.

*sigh* All the "regular" ones went home and I fed the ENtire brood mac and cheese, hot dogs, corn, and a big old glass of milk (yay me - nutrition AND popularity!) Things seem on an even keel…

No wait..here’s a little more. Let’s add a SEVERE thrunderstorm complete with MASSIVE amounts of HUGE FAT rain, GALE FORCE WINDS, and NO FARGIN’ ELECTRIC to the mix…and it’s 248 degrees…and dark…and humid…and two of the kids are afraid of dark and thunder…and I am allergic to screams.

I light candles, I dance with the babies in the dim light and we sing "When you Wish Upon a Star" and "Twinkle Twinkle" to the candles, I start swallowing Ibufrofin like sweet-tarts. Finally it passes and we get lights and A/C and TELEVISION. Now back to our regularly scheduled program - sorta.

Iron Spine Mom gets in at 8 pm. I don’t know how she does it but after all this and her husband and being caught in that drenchpour and all she is STILL adorable and strong. She says it is SO bad that someone in the family needs to sleep in his room thru the night. Sheesh. My mind is NOT finding appropriate uplifting things to say at all. At this point with having had MY day I probably look like Beetlejuice, I know I am being as verbally acute as he was. She’s just strong and cute. I’d say she has it all but I feel more like I do…my husband may be deployed but he is WELL.

Emergency Mom and 2 of her 3 kids are still awaiting treatment…4 hours after I sent them off. I give a bottle to big sweaty baby, clean him up, tuck him in a fresh white t-shirt and diaper, and shelve him for the night. He goes down. Emergency Mom calls in again at 9, still no dice, 10…still no dice AND a set of FABulously professional nurses were overheard muttering "Why don’t THOSE people just take their kids to the BASE?"

‘SCUSE ME…THOSE people (a) would have been sent to emergency anyway because sutures aren’t DONE at a doctor’s office even if they ARE military, and (b) are the family of a SOLDIER serving his country. Period. SOME people richly deserve being told to go pound sand in their asses. Pound Sand award given to SGMC Emergency Room nurses on the floor on August 21, 2006 at app. 10:00 pm for truly SUCK ASS professionalism.

I told Emergency Mama not to worry at all and I meant it. I’d be fine, baby is fine, I’ll drift off on the couch so when she does return I can give her back her sprout. Done deal and I drifted off sweaty and hot on the suede couch until a tap on the window summoned me forth from slumber-hell.

Now…points to make:

1) I and all my family have our health, such as it is, and are recovering from surgeries etc but are WELL if somewhat impatient for full recovery.

2) My kids don’t play with knives and generally have excellent judgment on the 10 deadly NONOs to avoid even IF they are feeling a little NAWTY when I am on the "throne" with the door closed.

3) When the chips are down and things are crazy my kids rise to the top like cream on milk. What EXCELLENT helpers they were with entertaining others and being understanding of my stress level and inability to give them the QT I wanted to.

4) At least I had A/C when the pwoer went back on. My OTHER neighbor didn’t fare so well. Their compressor BLEW and today they are $4,500 lighter because there weren’t replacement parts for a unit 10+ years old. They needed everything new from attic air exchange unit to outdoor heating and cooling pump. Yikes.

5) When you think your bed is NOT as plush as it should be sleep on a sweaty suede couch covered in a scratchy wool blanket (so as not to get sweat on suede). Your cool cotton sheets and pillow topped mattress will be as welcoming as a misty refreshing cloud afterwards…

Thank you Heavenly Father for all of the above and for making me ME. I am not always grateful but hot snot I am today.

I also have a mind warping headache from lack of sleep but…I’ll survive with my health, wits, and A/C intact.

And tomorrow I will write more friggin’ rays of sunshine such as "What will the world have LEFT for our kids when they are grown and want to have kids?"

You know there are some things around me that inspire a PET PEEVES Meme but I am just going to leave it at this. Can I tell you how much I HATE pigs. I am not talking about the pinkish grey porcine critters with the bristles on ther snouts (though I am quite horrifically sure that the majority of the people I am referring to LOOK like that), I am talking about people who don’t GIVE A SHIT how the neighborhood looks or smells, they just fling their FUCKING trash where.the.fuck.ever.

My local paper has a Rant and Rave section and I was on a tooth grinding mission to add my tuppence today I was SO angry…I must have missed the ad in the paper that said today was NATIONAL PISS OF DEE DAY. I swear people were lined UP to do the things that make my blood boil…namely…LITTER when I am LOOKING. It’s bad enough to see a pile but no person in sight but MAN OH MAN whydjuh gotta go and do that right in FRONT of me!?!?!?

I took the kids out today to do some poor people shopping (this is where you drive to a store and pick out things you WISH you could buy - it’s a get the hell out of the house thing). On our way there some JACKAZZ in a pickup truck in the oncoming lane just rolls his window down, hangs his hairy arm out, and flings a freakin half empty cuppa JOE out the FUCKING wndow and onto the CURB. Didn’t want to clutter up his truck!? TO LATE BUB, WHEN YOU FLUNG THE COFFEE IN THAT GLORIOUS FOOTBALL MENTALITY ARC YOU GOT FUCKING COFFEE ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING ROOF!!!! So I do what any well bred girl of conscience does, I hang my head out the window and scream "HEY MONKEY NUTS!! THANKS FOR MAKING MY NEIGHBORHOOD ROCK YOU ASS PICKING MORON!" Lucky ME I had forgotten the 4 year old was in the car. Nine year old and 10 year old were plugged into their MP3 players and wouldn’t have heard the coming of Christ if it happened in the hatchback but the 4 year old heard every word.

"Monkey Nuts" pipes a little voice from the back…

Great…just effin great…

"No no sweety, Monkey BUTT ok?"

"Monkey butts", is the sleepy answer as he drifts off to the soothing sounds of me grinding my teeth.

So we make it, in one piece, to the store and I unload the platoon and we head on into one store, then the next, browse a bit, pick up a VERY nice pair of heels for a VERY nice price, and we head back out to the car. I am anticipating a better day now, there are HEELS in the bag. Nice wooden slides with a plush like buttah soft leather upper. How can your day suck when you found a pair of THOSE bad boys for under $10 because it was marked down 50% and it was blue tag day?? So I optimistically load the brood into the minivan from Hell and suddenly Monkey Butts looks up at me and says "Gum".

This is basically an odd thing for Monkey the 4 year old to say. He has grown up in a house where chewing gum makes his mother HISS like a leaking tire. I loathe the stuff. Kids chew it, it ends up in hair, clothes, upholstery, dental bills…I just flat out don’t allow it. So for 4 year old to mention it, something is up.

"I’m sorry sweety…what?"

"Gum, I stepped in gum."

EEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Suffice it to say I was EQUALLY as eloquent (although ENTIRELY G rated) in that parking lot as I was driving past The Coffee Chucker. You’d be suprised (or maybe not if you are a Mommyblogger too) at the creative words you can use that FEEL as good as a cuss but can be completey clean.

"What mother loving fudge packer from the back woods of Podunk SPIT their FLIPPIN’ GUM out just here on the FLIPPIN’ parking lot? There’s a GARBAGE can not fifty feet away!? I HATE PIGS!!!"

Oh and it gets better…AFTER I clean the gum off of the 4 year old’s shoes guess what…I will BET you never guess not in a million years…

I step back to close the door of the car and I step in the gum.

Now my kids are treated to a silent rampage the likes of which they have never seen before. They are in the car which is running, the windows are rolled up to keep the A/C inside, and I utter not a WORD out loud. I stomp and gesture and flail and jump SILENTLY while pumping my fists into the sky and turning red.

When I calm down enough I open the door and get knocked on my ass by the gales of laughter which come FLYING out into my face.

Lucky for THEM they are so darn cute when they are in hysterics. I started laughing and we all laughed until we were crying and I had to pee.

I love my kids.

So Mr. Coffechuck and Dear Gumspatter whoever you are…you are SO lucky I have my kids otherwise I’d hunt you down, find you, and dump the entire contents of my smelly (I run a Daycare with LOTS of used diapers) trash IN YOUR FREAKIN’ CAR!

Gah…what a GREAT freakin’ example for today’s youth. SOMEBODY ELSE will clean it up. Just perfect…

It occured to me that there are a myriad (I get a few points for using that word don’t I?) of ways I use to keep from going goggle eyed with boredom while I wait for those ONE hits to accumulate on my blog. It also struck me that there may be folks out there who would love to find a way to burn some more time during the day as well (read as LOOKING constructive whilst on one’s computer at work). So taking this into consideration I felt it was only right that I share some of my Linx of Luv:

This is unofficially known as NETCRACK: Travian - Create, maintain, and grow a little village. Get them swivelized enough to have troops and an embassy and then you can go PILLAGE, PLUNDER, AND PUMMEL a neighbor and take THEIR hard won village MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA. Get some folks you don’t really care for involved by helping to set them up (so you know their nicknames and village names) and then set up a SECRET identity and stomp them mercilessly as a way to loose some angst…y’know…stealth bitch stuff.

FREE - Oh yes FREE is good. Walmart now offers you a chance to enjoy their FREEBIES without leaving the comfort of your own fatazz office chair.

The kids just won’t SIDDOWN and SHADDUP? Here’s something to keep monkey-digits occupied and if you don’t mind glue and sparkles in their hair it rocks: Oriental Trading Company. Order crafts by the assload and keep ‘em workin’, Makes me wonder if I can get some piece work done in a secret sweat shop in my own dining room…

The food oh good GAWD the food. THIS woman sucks when you are on a diet because the food just BEGS to be prepared. She works up her own recipes and shares them. I shit you not these are DELICIOUS (I have test driven many). FREAKIN’ GIFTED TESS!

MORE free. there is no such thing as SURPLUS FREE. Start Sampling also offers FREE SCHWAG in the mail.

All around great gal and SUPER friend with a talent for writing. Stop here for a slice of life: MOI. She’s humble too.

 

Well that’s it for now. As you can tell if I have to pay I aint BUYIN’ so basically my life is DULL. I hope you had some fun with these links and pity me enough to visit more *shameless BLAWG PLUG*

Have a wonduhmus weekend.

1.) You and I got along from the second you were born. I was comfortable with you, you were comfortable with me. We even got a great grade on bonding from the nurses at the hospital.

2.) YOU had the greatest "sniffy face" in the entire civilized world. You’d wrinkle up that nose like you smelled something AWFUL and then sniffle as hard and fast as you could in and out through your nose. It was a show stopper!

3.) At the most crucial and sensitive moments on any occasion you would screw up your face, turn purple, strain and make the LOUDEST poop ever witnessed.

4.) You will always be "My Green Eyes" no matter how old you get.

5.) You have always had a smile that could charm the last nickle out of Ebeneezer Scrooge. If my suspicions are correct you will carry that over into your adult years and the moment you smile, panties will drop.

6.) There won’t be a woman on this planet that is worthy of that smile, aside from me. But I’ll be keeping my shorts on thanks.

7.) I will never ever forget your very first absolutely hysterical belly laugh. Daddy was holding you down at the end of the driveway and I was attempting to help your older brother learn to rollerskate. HIS legs kept shooting out in all directions while he dangled by one arm from my grasp. You HOWLED until everyone around you was laughing so hard they were crying. Best laugh ever.

8.) You are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. Very few people can claim to be that way. Don’t ever forget to make sure you always strive to stay that way.

9.) There may not be a lot of pictures or videos of you around because we were br-br-broke when you were born but that doesn’t mean we didn’t want to take the movies and pictures. They are all there in my mind still and you were so very wanted and treasured since the moment we found out about you. Always will be too.

10.) You have great hair and will be the envy of every balding friend you have throughout your life. Not just nice hair. GREAT hair. You are the only son that has that hair too so no matter how much smaller you are than they are, you still have GREAT hair.

11.) You are brilliant. People may not say you are imaginative or creative but they aren’t looking at what your brain is doing. You are analytical, logical, and your flexibility and ways of looking at things just a little out of the ordinary will serve you well. Keep that wonder you have and never stop asking questions.

12.) You, along with your brothers, father, and sister, are the BEST thing I have ever done with my life.

13.) I will always feel badly that I embarass you when I call you my Shiny Hiney but I just can’t resist the rhyme or the memory of you running down the barely lit hallway starkers one summer evening with that deep deep tan everywhere but your butt. That shiny hiney…you will never outgrow my memory.

*sigh* I did it again. What the heck IS it that causes me to simply decide that it is imperative that I eat a certain number of pizza slices? I eat two, very nice, I eat some wings, really very nice. I should stop now but do I? Hell to the NO, I look at the box and decide that I am going to be freezing the rest BUT…if I freeze now I am freezing over half a pie. That’s not good I tell me. There will just be all that much more for me to eat at a later date. So do you know how I "save" myself? I EAT TWO MORE SLICES NOW! What is that I ask!

Discipline has been slipping lately Capt. Lax, slack, bottom o’ the chum bucket.

Pathetic.

So today I take up the reins again and decide enough is enough and time to get back to the grits of the nitty. I am going to resume the exercise portion of the program and start burning some more so I can have a little slack on the iron clad diet. Don’t get me wrong, I know very well that all four of those slices have taken up a permanent residence somewhere in my generous posterior portion but I have to let go and move on. I know from my past that a slip up like this can undermine me in a big way and I won’t allow for that. I will allow for humanity but not for sliding back into PIG LAND. I worked for 8 months to get here and I am NOT ever going back.

Thus it was back on the recumbent bike after a long (and somewhat enjoyable) seperation. This thing is an instrument of torture but I am firm with myself. I have lost the edge on dieting that being HUGELY overweight gave me. there won’t be any more spectacular results to keep me motivated without exercise. I have to BURN more to get the old and somewhat AWE INSPIRING results. Obediently I climb onto the bike, stuff my MP3 ear buds in my cranium, and rock out in a trance to the soundtrack from Blade. Ah yes I remember these days well, butt goes numb, toes go numb, legs burn, sweat pours off of me in buckets (dog hides, cat hisses, dark clouds gather ominously LOL). I did it though…

1/2 hour at an average of 13 mph. 300 calories DEAD. I squashed them, scraped them up, bagged ‘em, and tossed them out. I annihilated some fat cells!

Now if I could only WALK. I forgot that part. Good thing the kids were gone at school. I hate it when Houdini has some sort of smart 4 year old words of wisdom regarding how I am walking, sitting, or groaning. The crazy part is I just finished. Tomorrow is when the real fun will start. I’ll be frozen solid in a rictus of pain. Stiff and rusty as old playpen struts. Pathetic. But I can’t let on or the kids will be on me as if I was wearing pork chop panties in a pack of wolves. Pray for me dear ones…this is the dawn of a new day.

But I am so worth it.